


Without You

by Sorin



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5046541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sorin/pseuds/Sorin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now bereft of their strongest supporters, both Aymeric and the Warrior of Light have to figure out how to move forward on their own. (Please note: This contains spoilers for the Heavensward MSQ! Make sure you've finished all of it before reading!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

As a soldier, Aymeric is no stranger to grief.He’s seen it all his life, from when he was a small child up until he enlisted, and even as he rose through the ranks and became Lord Commander.He’s come to expect it, learned to deal with it- at least to the best of his ability, which usually involves working himself to exhaustion in order to let it pass him by.He’s been told more than once that this is not the best policy, but he simply smiles a little and continues on, as this is what’s come to work for him.

Having been dealt three harsh blows one after another, however, Aymeric is in no shape to celebrate.He’d attended the signing ceremony, of course, and had spoken at length with the leaders of Eorzea’s other states, but as soon as he was able he’d slipped away and retreated somewhere quiet.His office is more or less the perfect place- with all the celebrating going on he hasn’t even had to give orders to be left alone, which means nobody will be suspicious as to why he’s there in the first place and not out with everyone else.

He slowly walks to the window and looks out over the landscape, mostly obscured by clouds and darkening rapidly as the sun sets.He can feel a headache coming on, but he ignores it.If he thinks about it for a moment, he realizes he can’t remember the last time he ate, which is likely where the headache is coming from… and he tells himself that he will soon, and promptly forgets again.

After a few moments he hears the door open and quietly close, but he doesn’t turn to see who it is.He assumes it’s Lucia, likely worried about him, and quickly tries to figure out something that will reassure her enough to leave him alone.

Light footsteps approach him, and he realizes all at once that his visitor isn’t Lucia.He looks to his left as the Warrior of Light stops next to him, her gaze trained out the window.She slowly looks up at him, and his heart clenches.Her eyes are red-rimmed and she looks exhausted… and sad, more than anything.It’s thanks to him that she lost her beloved, and though he thinks she should rightly hate him for his impetuousness, she doesn’t seem to.He knows she wasn’t at the ceremony, and he assumes she’d gone to visit Lord Haurchefant’s grave instead.

She turns her gaze back to the landscape, and after a few seconds more, so does he.He has no idea what to say to her.After a few breaths, however, she breaks the silence- though her voice is low and barely audible.“I thought I might find you here,” she says, still not looking at him.“It’s quiet.”

He nods slightly.“I didn’t feel much like celebrating,” he replies, his own voice softer than usual.

“Nor do I.”She glances up at him, then, and smiles a little.“Having won such a large victory, one should think we’d be out drinking as much as we can tolerate- if not more.”

He can’t help but smile back.She doesn’t speak much, if ever, and he thinks this may be the most she’s ever spoken to him… and the only time they’ve spoken alone.“I’d considered it,” he admits.“I’m still considering it.”

“Ah?Well, then.”She pulls a bottle of liquor from a bag at her side and looks up at him with raised eyebrows.

Aymeric blinks, then nods in agreement.He leads her out of the office and to his chambers, figuring that they would both be very thankful for the privacy- but he can’t help the wry curve at the corners of his lips.Anyone seeing them would get the wrong impression and would likely scold him for being so bold… but there’s nobody around to see or care, and they both know that isn’t what this is about.

Grief, he figures, is much like alcohol- better shared than consumed alone.

They sit down in chairs in front of the fireplace, each with a glass of the amber-colored liquor she’d provided.He has several bottles of his own to contribute as well, should they truly decide to take leave of their sensibilities.He makes sure the fire is built up properly before finally daring to look at her again, and he finds her gazing absently into the flames, tucked gracefully into her chair.

She takes a sip of her drink and sighs a little, then looks over at him.“Your wounds are healing well?” she asks hesitantly.

He nods.“I’ve been cleared for duty, such as it is,” he replies with a slight shrug.He hadn’t really stopped working regardless of what the healers had ordered him to do, really.“I’m well enough.”

She smiles briefly.“I’m glad.”She looks down into her glass, then, and shakes her head slightly.“I… about what happened in Azys Lla…”

“You have no need to apologize or feel poorly about any of it,” he says gently.He’d had a feeling she felt awful over having to kill his father, but he’d long since made his peace with it- in fact, he’d done so the moment the man had thrown him into the Vault and ordered him ‘interrogated’, which was a nicer way of saying ‘tortured’.

She glances at him and shakes her head.“Not that,” she murmurs.“About Estinien.”

_Estinien._

He can barely breathe.

It takes him a moment to gather himself, and he shakes his head.“What could you have done?” he murmurs.“Nidhogg was waiting for such an opportunity.”

“I feel like I should have done _something,_ ” she replies, meeting his gaze- he can see the anguish in her eyes at having lost yet another friend.“I should have stopped him, should have refused to give him the other Eye- _anything._ ”

He manages a small smile.“You and I both know that wouldn’t have worked.”He downs the rest of his glass and she pours him another, and he looks into the fire for a long moment.“Estinien and Haurchefant were very similar, in that regard.There was no stopping either of them when it came to doing their duty.The difference is, what happened to Estinien wasn’t your fault.”

“And what happened to Haurchefant wasn’t yours,” she says, her voice low and fierce- it startles him a little.“You did what you felt was right, as did the rest of us… and the man who killed him is dead.”

He nods slightly.He’d figured all of them had perished, though he hadn’t really pressed her for details… and, he thinks it’s better this way.The Heaven’s Ward had become twisted, somewhere along the line- full of themselves and their own vanity, and they’d fallen prey to the powers that his father, the archbishop, had manipulated.

“I thought, for a moment, that I could convince him,” he says softly.“I thought that he would surely listen to me, if not due to my station, but because I was his son.”

She softens.“He didn’t deserve a son like you,” she replies, meeting his gaze and holding it.

His throat tightens.“Estinien said the same, several times,” he says, his voice a bit hoarse.“I tried not to even bring it up- he lost both his parents in a dragon attack.He still… he still knew I was upset, at times.”

She smiles.“We often agree on things, I’ve found,” she murmurs.

They’re both quiet for a long while, and his thoughts turn from that to Estinien once more.He’s never been far from his mind, if he’s honest with himself.Estinien had become a good friend over time, his best friend with more- then lover, and finally beloved, though Aymeric had never told him.The dragoon was standoffish and prickly when it came to everyone else, but he never seemed to have a problem with letting Aymeric in… and Aymeric had fallen head over heels in love with him as the years wore on.He always told himself that he’d tell him when the time was right, when they both had a moment to collect their thoughts- but that time never came.

The night before Estinien had left for Azys Lla, he’d come to his chamber- just as he had the night before leaving for the Aery.Aymeric wasn’t one to doubt the Azure Dragoon’s abilities, he more worried about the toll all of this would take on him, knowing what using the Eye already took out of him.Still, in times of war, one had to use all of ones weapons… and Estinien was far, far too good to be kept in the city.

That aside, Aymeric thought with a faint smile, he would’ve found a way to slip out regardless.

More than anything, he wishes he’d told him then- but it felt too much like goodbye, and both were far too seasoned for anything like that.They never said goodbye, as it happens, not before the Aery and not before Azys Lla- not before _any_ battle.It seemed to Aymeric bad luck, and Estinien was simply too confident to believe that anything bad would befall either of them.He hadn’t wanted to do too much that night lest he tire the dragoon out, but Estinien had just laughed at him and done what he’d wanted… and Aymeric had held on tight after, and prayed to Halone for his safety.

He doesn’t realize that there are tears coursing down his cheeks until the Warrior of Light crouches in front of him, reaching up to gently brush them away.Mortified, he tries to rise and turn away, but she catches him and shakes her head.

“Don’t,” she says softly, her own eyes shining with tears.“You can’t just not grieve.”

Torn between the urge to flee and the need to somehow release the band around his chest, he shakes his head.“I can’t,” he breathes.“There’s no time, there never is-”

She interrupts him, shaking her head.“There is now,” she says, and he finally loses control when she wraps him in a hug- and she does as well.

Though he’s still embarrassed after the wracking sobs have disappeared, he has to admit he does feel at least a little better.She’s still sniffling off and on, and he closes his eyes, holding her a little tighter.“I still… I still feel responsible, at least a little, for what happened in the Vault,” he finally says quietly.

She draws back a bit and looks up at him.“And I still feel a little responsible for what happened to Estinien,” she murmurs.“I think… this is something we’ll have to forgive ourselves for- not each other.”

He nods slowly.She does have a point, he thinks… he doesn’t blame her in the least for what happened to Estinien, and knowing she doesn’t hold him responsible for Haurchefant’s death helps as well.

The two eventually sit back down and look into the fireplace.He looks over at her after a few moments, taking in how very tired and worn-down she looks- and he wonders if he looks the same.“You should rest,” he says quietly.“Stay here, if you like.You won’t be bothered.”

She looks up at him and smiles sadly.“Thank you, but I don’t sleep much anymore,” she says softly.

He understands immediately- nightmares.He has them too.He hadn’t seen what Nidhogg did to Estinien, nor what happened to his father, but he can well imagine it- and having seen Haurchefant’s death was bad enough.He can’t imagine having to deal with all three on top of everything else she’s had to endure since that horrible night in Ul’dah.He is still angry with himself about that- he should have sent Lucia back and stayed.Had he done so, perhaps he could have protected her.He sighs, then, and closes his eyes.He hasn’t typically been one to look back on his actions with regret, and he’d had no way of knowing what was coming.He’s just tired, he thinks, and perhaps once he rests a little things will look a bit better.

Assuming, of course, he _can._

She pauses, then speaks again, breaking him out of his thoughts.“If you don’t mind, though… I will take you up on your invitation to stay.I don’t want to be found for a little while.”

“Of course,” he replies- he understands _that_ feeling.Unfortunately, he’s nowhere to go where he won’t eventually be found, and Ishgard’s current situation isn’t going to permit him the chance anyway.

Neither seem motivated to move, and after a little while Aymeric glances over and finds her asleep.He smiles faintly, glad she’s comfortable enough to rest, and closes his own eyes… and hopes, when the sun rises, that it will find them both in a better place.

After everything they’ve suffered, he thinks, surely they deserve that much.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You know, because there hasn't been enough angst around here lately... /falls over
> 
> In any case, I've had some nasty writer's block lately. When I got the idea for this I practically sped home from work to get it started. I suppose it could be considered a companion 'fic of sorts to Mine and Come Back.
> 
> Still working on a couple requests, and hoping to have those done... sometime soon. @.@ My apologies for being so slow!


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